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                    白色的愛2010

                    時間: 2016-12-25    閱讀: 1352 次    來源:
                    作者:

                    昨天下午刮起了寒冽的風。在和年長同事的閑聊無意中的一句話,明天要下雪了。竟然印證明天的天氣。它包含了我從小幾年來如此感觸的情結。包括最溫暖的親情,和在白色幻想中的故事

                    今天早上近5點中起床,打開賓館里的門,外面竟是雪花如櫻花一樣飛揚開來。只要雪下下來,我就知道這個地域里被雪覆蓋的景象。在我的家鄉湖北仙桃,從小經歷了記不清下了幾場的雪。它們都像一個個美好的故事一樣潛在我的記憶深處。記得07年最初離開家鄉前一年的大雪。雪覆蓋了我們的村莊和農田,整個世界都好象置身在白色的幻境中。村里的人說,這是有史以來最大的雪。

                    確實,我和村里長大的兄弟可以在我家的后面的河面上行走。你就知道河面上結了多厚的冰層。年齡濺長了,并不像小時候那樣盡情了。每個人都懷有各自忐忑的經歷。在過年前后的日子里,在下雪的日子里,每到家庭溫暖,獨處觀望窗外的時候,都會浮想連翩。想著在學校經歷男女最初萌動的愛意。想著家族里富有和睦的情景。每每想到,都會心底升出溫暖的力量。雖然是在寒冷的處境,但依然阻擋不了我們對雪,對冬天的特有的感觸。

                    08年的夏季我離開了生活了十幾年的家鄉,去了中國的南方沿海的一個城市,那里終年不下雪。所以看不到南方的雪。到了下雪的時候,南方卻是北方秋天的陰雨時節一樣。同樣寒冷但缺少了北方的強勁和它所帶來的溫暖。你看不見在南方有人或親人串家過節的熱鬧氣氛。它卻充滿了蔭郁。就像一個人在空蕩的屋內觀望灰暗的天空。雖然你知道在你的家鄉和很多地方,有你看不到的喜氣洋洋和溫暖洋溢。但此刻流離在外的心按捺不住心底的愛,漸漸被工作和生存,飄浮的時間給慢慢淹沒。直到融入到另一種風土人情之中,忘記了最初的銘刻在記憶深處的愛。

                    我們畏縮著自己的身體來抵御大自然的寒冷。生活和工作讓我們不得不去面對和經歷前人走過的路。唯一的差別就是時代變了。我們將工作所必須的用具和物品,器械都陸續搬進了車內。然后就沐浴在久違的白色的雪花之中。呼嘯的風中夾帶了雪花灌進了我的衣服內,冰凌般的刺寒瞬間席卷身體最溫暖如春的部位。它就像是兒時的爺爺奶奶的手一樣,拍打著我的身體,喚起了以前所沒有過的感觸和記憶。

                    雖然疼痛,但卻充滿了溫暖和愛的傳遞。我很喜歡在冰天雪地里孤獨的走著,迎著寒風,頂著雪花,望著雪白點綴了世界的唯美幻境。看著自然美好的恩賜給予了生命怎樣的感受和福澤。雪花像生命一樣在風的吹拂下,不可預知的漂浮在大地的一隅。它像藝術一樣給人們帶來了不一樣的獨特感受。

                    它像禮物一樣賜予了人們溫暖和愛的凝聚。看著為生活,為工作,處在人生不同階段,經歷了復雜異樣的人們,在街道上踩出了自己的腳印,然后繼續向前行走。就像生活一樣。無論是寒冬還是炎夏都依然這樣向前前進著。抬頭看著被雪覆蓋了的城市,感受到了自然強大的力量和造化。生生不息的自然力在大地上流淌著,生命在世界中艱難的活著。讓你感受到的是世間萬物深深的不易和艱難。

                    在07年之前有下雪的歲月里記憶里頗為深刻的是家族里深深的溫暖和睦氣氛。令人深深的沉溺其中,不愿掙脫。親人在家里談論著家常,籌備年貨,打牌麻將,看影碟,無一不充滿了愛的溫暖。在冬天里親人在一起的溫暖凝聚的感情,是世間最美好的情感。它可以隔絕世間所有的消極,黑暗,罪惡。它是一面鏡子,只要每每念及,都讓你知道現在情感,生活的狀況。

                    在內心深處里的影影綽綽的愛情,在07年的冬天一下子膨脹到了血液里。到了思緒每有轉動的時候都會念起。如此刺激性的拉伸進了經驗和記憶的底蘊。那時距今以有三年的往事,在離初三上學期只剩下一星期的時間的那天放學,我被著斜挎包,騎著破舊不堪的自行車,在318國道上緩緩前進,迎著寒冷的風。在街道的令一邊有三兩個女孩子,似有蓄意的跟著我的步劃在走著。我知道她們的意思,我們也互相看了看。彼此心照不宣。

                    我的軟弱和自卑破壞了這一切。我不僅僅破壞了她們的,也破壞了我的。是因為她們的心靈對愛如此美的女孩,她們懂得女孩作為女人所具備的女人味特征。是她們太好了,我或許不應該破壞她們的初戀和未來的幸福,我真的不知道自己真的給她們什么。那時正是我放棄了學業和出現了人生歧路的時候,對自己的失望,到厭恨,到絕望。最后的情形是,她們陪了我走完了一段路程。我帶著愧疚和悔恨的渴望,帶著這幾年來的挫敗和消極頭了沒有了回的,背影單薄的駛向遠處。

                    我知道在這短短的歲月里,她們對愛情充滿了我所未看到女人的內在美。她們如此美的,羞怯的付出她們對愛的渴望,和對愛情如此美的純潔的心。可是我卻活在令她們失望的失敗消極的記憶里。在此一星期其間,我寫過長達萬字的信,土氣的包裝袋裝著我心底對她們可以付出全部的愛化作的信,送了一本當代著名作家的著作。一星期之后,我一個人再次來到了學校。那天下著血。是這幾十年來最大的雪。

                    來到學校,看到鐵門緊鎖。失望地回到了原來住讀的地方,清理收拾好了行李,放在了騎來的三輪車上。一個人沿著她們陪我走過的路,迎著寒烈的風,頂著白色的雪花,帶著復雜的失望向著遠方駛去。回來時,全身布滿了刺骨的雪花,冷得四肢有些僵硬。回到房間里,倒在床上,幾年的疼愛的愛伴著歌聲進入了黑色的天空,黑色的風,白色的大地的思緒中。

                    現在已到了2010年的冬天。聽起來,有些恍惚的不真實。但它真實存在著。今年經歷了在江西的一場雪。不知道是在縣城的偏僻地段還是時代變了,所過之處看不見在家鄉里特有的熱鬧和快樂。在德市的新廣場看不到有人在玩雪仗和堆雪人。每個人被時代的倡導的文化所牽引,失去了特有民族特色。看著白色的雪花在天空飄揚,看著過往的男男女女,心中不免生出異樣的感傷和遺憾。

                    心底里完美女孩在腦海浮現,思緒里愛的力量在寒冷中安靜的強烈。相仿年紀的朋友兄弟身邊多了一個可以陪伴的人,在這個冬季。心雖然隱隱作痛,但想到了親人的溫暖。想到了今年要回到家鄉全家人過年。心底雖然現實的無助,流離的無助,疼愛的無助,可以唯一的寄望的是在親人團聚中我要在背負愛與責任中,自強自立。希望自己努力,完成一定階段的理想。

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